Unfortunately, all children are at risk for being the subject of bullying or just being picked on, but children who have visible differences or disabilities, learning or intellectual differences are especially vulnerable. One issue is that people are still very uncomfortable talking about disabilities and differences. Our culture has a tendency to make differences and disabilities taboo and in turn, make it seem like a forbidden topic that can cause curiosity from even those children who mean no harm at all. Adults often shy away from talking with children about differences and how to learn about them, to not be afraid of them, and how to be friends with children who have differences. Often if we can eliminate fears and curiosity, we can squash some of the bullying and negativity in its tracks and even create a positive and compassionate peer culture.
As parents, one of the best things we can do is to work with educators, school counselors and nurses to help to develop a coping plan for how to manage school. This preparedness on our part sets the expectations of behavior and helps children to better navigate relationships with new challenges. We have a form you can download and review with your child’s teachers and counselors.
Ultimately we hope to create an environment where children feel comfortable standing up for one another in the face of unkindness.
So, how do we go about preparing children and demystifying these differences?
1. Educate: both our children with visible differences AND others
2. Normalize
3. Validate and correct misconceptions
4. Develop a coping plan when bullying or mistreatment does occur
1. Educate
For children with a chronic skin conditions:
- Help children develop a quick answer to peers questions. Here’s one example I’ve helped a child with eczema develop: “My skin is so red and has so many ouchies (sores, scabs) because I have eczema. It means I have really dry and itchy skin. You can’t catch it from me. It is not a germ and not like having a cold, or a flu bug. It is just the way my skin is. I use lotion to make it feel better.” If they feel comfortable and have good support group, teach peers and friends who will help answer questions this way for them too.
- A follow up comment on emotions can help too for example: “That’s just my eczema it doesn’t hurt me all the time, but it does hurt me a lot when you call my skin gross and say mean things.”
- Most importantly practice these things at home and practice all kinds of scenarios. Practice more innocent peer questions such as: “What happened to your arm?” And practice more difficult or even unkind questions, “Why does your skin look so bad?” As a part of your rehearsal, decide what your child will do if they don’t want to answer the question, if their feelings are hurt (take deep breaths, get a hug from a friend, stomp their foot, etc), and how they will enlist the teacher if they want support.
- Develop a partnership with your child’s classroom teachers. If you have a child with a visible difference, it can help to set up a meeting to talk with your child’s teacher about how to deal with questions from peers when they come up. Let them know what you have come up with at home and ask them what advice they have on managing this in the classroom. If the teacher knows the language that your family likes to use, and the approach that your child wants to take when a question comes up, you can operate as a team and help one another.
For children who are learning about visible skin differences:
- Provide a simplistic explanation of the disability or difference. (See our current resources on vitiligo by age, scleroderma by age and ichthyosis – we are continuing to add more every month!) Point out that all people have differences that they are not contagious, and it isn’t anything to fear. Although children (and even adults) might be unsure how to work with or establish a relationship with a new person with difference capabilities or appearances then themselves it is an essential life skill.
2. Normalize
- Draw similarities from our differences. It can help direct children’s emotional responses. Provide some examples for teachers and other adults to help them having a starting point when teaching classmates about differences. A few examples:
- All skin is different. Just like people can have all different skin colors, people can also have all different types of skin. Some skin can be very dry, some skin has trouble growing hair, some skin has birthmarks and moles.
- You know how your daddy has to wear glasses to help him see? Well Natalie has to use lots of ointment to keep her skin healthy/feeling comfortable.
- We all have something at some point our body needs help with. We all have different foods that are our favorite, and colors that we like to wear, sports and games we like to play and read. Some things are different some things are the same.
3. Validate and correct
- Don’t squash curiosity in our kids. In our effort to develop kindness and compassion in our kids, we don’t want to squash their curiosity or make them feel shame in their interest in differences if they weren’t harmful in their delivery. It is natural that they would want to learn from their friends and peers. Talk to your child about how you want their teacher to handle questions and share their requests with the adults at the school
- Here is an example of how to validate and correct that you can share: “I understand you had never seen skin like that before and so you had some questions. But it is not anything you can catch and so you shouldn’t be afraid to sit by them or play with them. Also, I know you had questions and questions are ok, but there are unfriendly questions and unkind words, and there are kind questions and kind words. How can you ask that questions differently with more kindness? If you are not sure how to ask your question in a kind way, wait to ask mommy or the teacher instead. Either way, you can always play with, talk to or be friendly to a person who looks different from you.”
4. Developing a Coping Plan
- If bullying or unkindess occurs: validate the child. It is uncommon for a child to make up bullying altogether. It is either perceived (such as when a child asks repetitive questions) , which still needs to be addressed, or true unkind malice. Develop a coping plan or technique. Be proactive right away by determining a plan of action to make sure the bullying stops. If the classroom teacher is unable to deal with the issue for whatever reason, then elevate the issue to the school principal.
- Talk about what feelings they are having and how all feelings are ok, but there are things we can do to feel better. Give them examples such as smooshing a pillow or play doh, journaling, making arts and crafts, talking with mom or dad, going on a walk, petting the family dog, and taking deep breaths. When you identify things that help your child feel better, share those with their teacher.
- Have some coping plan conversation starters you
- It is ok to feel sad and/or mad sometimes. But it doesn’t feel good to feel sad or mad for a long time.
- What are somethings that make you feel better when you are sad or mad?. Some kids I know feel better after being mad when they get the chance to yell or scream, or smash something.
- Some kids like listening to music, talking to a friend or family member or writing in a journal when they feel sad. What sounds like some good ideas to you?
A note about the bullying or questioning child:
It can be tempting to make assumptions about the intentions of the child who said the unkind words or unkind thing as an excuse with the child that was hurt by it. “He was just jealous that he doesn’t get to wear a hat at school, so he picked on you forgetting to wear yours, because you have no hair.” “She was afraid that she could catch your skin disease and so she said mean things about your psoriasis, but she didn’t mean to hurt you.” While this type of explaining might feel as if we are softening the blow for the child who has experienced the bullying, it instead can be harmful and makes them feel as if their feelings aren’t valid. It also runs the risk that now the adult that they shared their feelings with has become unsafe and undependable. It is fine to ask the child in question to explain their own behavior and tell the truth about it (rather than making assumptions yourself) but make sure to follow it with, “that doesn’t make it ok” and it is “unacceptable and won’t be tolerated any more.” In the same way that we wouldn’t excuse a physical accident from making amends or an apology, we should not excuse unkind behaviors just because they came from an ignorant/unknowing place. Always validate the hurt child’s feelings. “I can definitely understand why you are sad/ mad. Those words are very hurtful and I would not like hearing them either.”
Other great resources for positive coping:
Look for opportunities for kids with differences to be among peers that understand what they are going through. A Children’s House for the Soul does almost monthly events for children who are impacted by skin disease to get together, play and have fun. This kind of unification does wonders for the whole family.
Interested in bringing a program to your school that teaches about the health and science of skin as well as about building compassion and empathy towards others? Check out our school program.
SHARE IT!
Related Posts
2022 Houston Marathon
A Children’s House For The Soul was honored to participate in the 2022 Chevron Houston Marathon! It was our first year as a run for a reason charity and we were so blessed with such a special opportunity! We had a team of over 10 half and full marathon runners, and 8 5K runners representing …
How to Distract your Kid During Wet Wraps: A Battle Strategy
Getting your child to comply with wet wraps can feel like can be a battle! Which if you think about it, is a little ironic, because by administering wet wraps you are helping your child’s suit of armor, their skin defends itself against the outside world! So let us talk strategy, determine some “weapons” for your arsenal, and let’s realign so that you and your child can go from enemies to allies.
Acne Positivity – Coping Toolkit!
When we feel overwhelmed or stressed, it can be tempting to tell ourselves (or each other!) Just relax, calm down! When we are stressed or freaking out, that is easier said than done. That’s why preparing a “coping tool kit,” a set of strategies for dealing with stress can be really powerful.
Acne Positivity – Stop that stinkin’ thinking with empowering and encouraging thoughts!
Do you freak out when you break out? I know I have! It is natural when we have a break-out to look in the mirror and think things like “These pimples are gross!” “I hate my skin!” “Things are never going to get any better!” Even though it is natural we think this way, it is harmful too.
Acne Positivity – don’t pop those pimples!
Stop picking, popping, poking your pimples!
I know, it’s sort of like eating the whole bag of potato chips…we all know we aren’t supposed to do it, and yet, the temptation is SO STRONG! So…how do you stop?
Start with choosing an alternative activity!
Heart + Sole Walk and Family Festival Recap
We had so much fun at our first annual Heart + Sole Walk and Back To School Family festival! We want to thank all of our sponsors and everyone who came out to support our mission to make the world a more kind and understanding place for those with skin conditions.
Acne Positivity – Parental validation
As a Child Life Specialist working with teens and kids who have special skin, there is one question I get A LOT. “How do I talk to my teenager, when they tell me they don’t like how they look?” Parents are so worried that they will say the “wrong thing.” And truthfully, I have spent …
Skin Discovery Box – Film Premiere
We had an amazing time celebrating the launch of our brand new SKIN DISCOVERY BOXES, a very special collaboration with our friends at CeraVe! CeraVe’s tireless pursuit of therapeutic skincare for all is truly more than skin deep and we couldn’t be more thankful. We celebrated in style thanks to our friends at Star Cinema …
Texas Children’s Vascular Anomalies Program
A Children’s House for the Soul believes that it takes a village to support a child and family impacted by skin disease and birthmarks and that we are all better together.
Open House – Ribbon cutting to bring a children’s house home
Open House and Ribbon Cutting/Bring A Children’s House Home: On June 5th we began a very exciting new chapter of our A Children’s House story in the form of opening up our new beautiful space to serve children and teenagers with skin conditions and birthmarks and their families. This space includes a salon, a library & craft space, a teen room, and more! We also debuted our incredible new custom mural from up and coming local artist Eli Pallaert.
Trivia Night – Event Recap
Our Family Trivia night was oh so much fun, and a huge success! We had so much fun getting to reconnect with all our friends and enjoy some laughs while snacking out on pizza and snowcones!
growing up with a vascular birthmark
In honor of Vascular Birthmark Awareness Month, our childlife specialist Lindsay O’Sullivan had a great conversation with Jose about growing up with his special masterpiece skin!
Ichthyosis Awareness month with Ally
In this interview, Ally shares about her experiences growing up with Ichthyosis. Ally shares how: Meeting other kids with special skin can help kids to feel less isolated and give them a very special sense of comradery and understanding. Parents don’t have to do everything perfectly to be the perfect parent for their child and …
Mother’s Tea – Event recap
What a wonderful time to relax, enjoy friendly company, and share their hearts on being a mama to a kiddo or teen with special skin. It was truly so special! These mamas were made a masterpiece!
A Message about Vascular Birthmarks
Vascular birthmarks are very common in children. These birthmarks are made of blood vessels in the skin and can occur anywhere on the body. They may be pink or red in color, blue or purplish, flat or raised. Since they are vascular, sometimes they will feel warm to touch and may change in color with …
2021 Capital Campaign Update
We have some exciting updates about our Capital Campaign! Learn about our short and long term plans for our own space.
You Can’t Teach What has no history
You Can’t Teach What Has No History “This is how much God loved the world: He gave his Son, his one and only Son. And this is why: so that no one need be destroyed; by believing in him, anyone can have a whole and lasting life. God didn’t go to all the trouble of …
Ectodermal Dysplasia Awareness
In honor of Ectodermal Dysplasia Awareness month in February, we sat down with two of our dearest friends Zach and his mama Susan! Zach is an avid golfer, an Aggie, and is affected by Ectodermal Dysplasia. Susan and Zach teach us about ED and the importance of finding community. They also had helpful tips and …
How to Conquer Alopecia Universalis
Join us for a fun and inspiring interview with this incredible lady Ana Maria! Ana Maria Triana is 15 years old and the author of How to Conquer Alopecia Universalis. Ana Maria gives heartfelt advice, shares wisdom beyond her years, and will leave you feeling full of compassion and confidence. A Children’s House for the …
THANK YOU, MOM! By Rachael Wrobel
In honor of the upcoming National Epidermolysis Bullosa (EB) Awareness week, we wanted to share this great piece from our friend, Rachael Wrobel about how her mama mothered her well, even despite the challenges of EB.